These Words are My Own, From my Heart Flow

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

      It's been a while, hasn't it? I must admit that I am having a somewhat difficult time navigating the "Blogger" waters. Believe me, I have plenty of things to blog about; plenty of thoughts to type out in anticipation that they will be read, even if only by one person. But, in consideration of those who take precious time to read all that I have to say, I start to hesitate. How often should I blog? Once a day? Once a week? Once every two weeks? Once a month? Will my posts be threatened by monotony if I blog too often? Will my words evoke yawns, and worse, will I lose readers if I wait too long? Will I be forgotten in the swiftly passing time of life?

      Reader, these questions haunt me. I feel like the heroine in Daphne Du Maurier's Rebecca. The blogging world is my Manderley Mansion. I became its new resident, full of ambition, youth, naivety, curiosity, and an assumed ignorance of the standards and expectations in place. The mansion is vast in size and occupancy; full of history, rooms, and secrets. Most significanty, it is haunted by the memory of the late Rebecca De Winter:
                     "Rebecca, always Rebecca. Wherever I walked in Manderley, wherever I sat, even in my thoughts and in my dreams, I met Rebecca. Perhaps I haunted her as she haunted me...I could fight the living but I could not fight the dead...Rebecca would never grow old. Rebecca would always be the same. And her I could not fight. She was too strong for me"

      I sound crazy, don't I? I must insist that I, in fact, am not crazy. I am simply making a literary connection. I recognize the fact that it is very brazen of me to compare blogging to one of the prime gothic novels, but there it is. I started this blog with wide-eyes and high hopes. I still have those, but I am starting to feel like the pre-existing expectations and memory of other blogs are pressing down.  I feel as though the occupants who blogged before me set up standards to which I am held.  I am constantly reminded, when I see others posting, that I have yet to do so. I'll lay in bed for long periods of time thinking, "What shall I write about next? What will capture the hearts of my readers? Will I be compared to blogs I've never even heard of?  Do I even stand up next to my young blogging peers? Will my blog be loved and admired?"


      It shouldn't matter since my intention was not to be the next Julie Powell and become famous from creating a Julia Child cooking challenge blog.  And though it shouldn't matter because these are my words and thoughts, I feel like it does matter.  There is a song called Breath (2 a.m.) by Anna Nalick and it is one of my favorite songs. I have listened and sang to it since middle school, but now that I am older, it is much more relatable. Isn't it always like that, though? There are always the songs you enjoy, but as you go through life, the meanings are so much deeper and personal.

      Anyways, towards the end of the song, the lyrics are:
                    2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
                    If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
                    Threatening the life it belongs to
                    And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
                    Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
                    And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
      Since I have started this blog, those lyrics seem to tap into how I approach writing. Everything I say on my blog, all my thoughts, feelings, references, mindless banter, can be taken any way you want. I have no control. All I can do it type and type  and just hope that it brings a speck of enjoyment to you, my readers.

      Now, I might be shunned by mature opinion for my next reference but it is the only thing I can think of at the moment.  In 2006 The Disney Channel aired a movie called Read it and Weep.  The movie captures the often-used "Coming of Age" theme when friendships and family relationships are tested as the result of the young protagonist's journal mistakenly getting published. This girl, Jaime, keeps her personal journal on her laptop; but it is far from the average "Dear Diary."  Jaime creates an alternate world for herself, her friends, enemies, and crush in which she is the heroine of her own story. It's actually pretty creative. But, when her journal is accidentally published and rises to become a Best Seller, she is forced to confront reality and choose real friendships over fake fame.
 
   Sounds absolutely snooze-worthy, doesn't it? Well my logic behind that mini synopsis was to point out the fact that this average girl became a best-seller from merely putting her thoughts and feelings down. That would be a dream come true. What if one day MY words inspired a best-selling novel? What if someone wanted to publish what I have to say? What if my little blog becomes the foundation for something grand and note-worthy? That is what I think of when I start a blog post. That is why it is sometimes hard for me, because I dream big. But hey, at least I dream.


     Have no fear though, my loyal readers. I will continue to blog despite my hesitations and aspirations. I will continue what I began with no other expecation than to feel relieved of the words inside of me. And because I do have a pipe dream of becoming known for my witty and thought-provoking words, I encourage you to share them with your friends, family, strangers even. Who knows, maybe one day it will reach a big-shot who believes in me and next thing you know, I will be dedicating my first best-seller to all of you, my readers.

    I would like to leave you with one last thing. In my first post I quoted You've Got Mail, and I would like to do so again. In an email to Joe Fox (although she only knows him at NY152), Kathleen Kelly writes:
                   "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life- well, valuable, but small- and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void"

      Nothing sums up how I feel at this moment more than those words. You've Got Mail really is a fantastic movie. It's got something for just about everything, like The Godfather.....now, that statement will only make sense if you have seen You've Got Mail. So go watch it, because I like to be understood.

                                                                 Sincerely,
                                                                            Me

      P.S. I forgot to mention that in Rebecca the name of the heroine is never revealed. Not once. We never get to know the name of the young girl who marries into a twisted past and an uncertain future. How tragic is that? Let us ensure that my fate is not the same as hers.